Do we have to pay extra to fly with my emotional baggage?

We're moving soon. Yay! I started my career as an adult in Germany. Now we're moving back there. I like to think fate is giving me another chance to get my shit together and do it right. But really? Is it? Is it really? Yeah, I'm not so sure either. But isn't it nice to think so?

When we moved to Turkey almost two years ago, I immediately lost my crap in an epic way. We didn't even have all of our stuff in our hotel room before I collapsed on the floor in a heap of desperation and blubbering. What had I done? This was a terrible mistake. This is wrong. Everything about this is wrong. I'll never be cheerful again. You said it, Ron Weasley. So I went to therapy. I've mentioned my therapist once or twice, right? She's been a really important part of my life here... and possibly the reason I'm alive here??? Maybe. Not sure, but glad I don't have to know where I'd be without her. So a year and a half to get back to "normal", okay. Gruelling, self examination. Wanting to give up and not being able to. Almost being hospitalized because I was sleeping most of the day. Over half I'd say. (She turned me into a newt.) I got better.

Now there is this whole mess. I could deal with depression. You take a pill. Cymbalta can help. You know. It's manageable. This whole bpd thing though... whoa.

Anyway, I'm terrified to move to Germany. I think I've narrowed down some of the things I'm scared of. Seasons. Freaking seasons. I grew up in the middle of a corn field in southern Illinois. I know seasons, but I've been away from them for so long now that I'm afraid of them. I have a habit of going dark when the seasons do. I love all the seasons. Except snowless winter. Winter is fine. It's great! I love that shit. But with snow. Otherwise it's depressing. Everything is dead. It's dull and drab and crap. So I'm afraid of cloudy not sunny weather. Dear god, I'm not sure I'm being very successful at this whole being a people thing.

I'm also just afraid I'll crumple into a heap again. What if that happens? What then? Well, what then? I'm going to be in therapy anyway, so I'll just add being a heap to our to do list. I mean I know all this crap, but it doesn't help. I can't seem to control how I feel. I wish I could just make a decision to feel a certain way and then stick with it, but alas, earwax. I'm just going to feel how I'm going to feel dammit!!! Sigh.