I have what?

Hi. I've had depression for years. Years. Yeeeaaaarrrrssss... I've been on antidepressants for like twelve years and still hate everything. I've gone to see my therapist more than anyone else on this base.

I should mention, I have a husband in the Air Force, two kids (5 & 7), and live in Turkey. Wow, you're thinking, what an exotic locale. Bollocks. For all general purposes, it's been a hole. Just, ugh... But that may be due in part to my specific... thing. Some people have rose colored glasses, and everything's shiny. I'm gonna just go ahead and generalize peeps like me as having goth colored glasses. Think Daria as an Osborne. As a guest on Sesame Street. Right? My brain is a scary place to live.

Anyway. So, my therapist is totally rockin'. I seriously love this woman. I shudder to think of where I'd be without her constantly pulling me back from the ledge and making me "slow my roll", and just listening to me yell and scream and cry and babble incoherently for an hour every week to two weeks. Then 33 sessions later, she suggests this new kind of therapy called diabetic diastolic dialectical behavior therapy. She tells me my homework is to research it. She thinks it will be a good idea because we've done cognitive behavior therapy to death. We've kicked that dead horse so many times, it's turned to glue.

So, I turn to the Google. Don't worry, I passed up the Wikipedia entry. The National Institute of Health... Hmm... DISCO! This is what they had to say:

"Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a comprehensive, evidence-based treatment for borderline personality disorder (BPD). The patient populations for which DBT has the most empirical support include parasuicidal women with borderline personality disorder (BPD), but there have been promising findings for patients with BPD and substance use disorders (SUDs), persons who meet criteria for binge-eating disorder, and depressed elderly patients." http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2963469/

That's weird. I'm not a substance abuser. I'm not elderly. What is this borderline personality disorder thing? To the Google!

"
According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

• Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
• A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
• Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face⁵ and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder." http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

I'm reading through this mess and I'm just like, huh. Oh? Really? Yeah. OMG. YEEEESSSS!!!! I've never really heard a more apt description of me in my life. So I go back to my therapist. She's all how was your homework. I'm all like I researched DBT. She's all so what did you learn? I went for it. I said that I learned that I probably have BPD. So we went through the nine criteria. Out of nine, I consistently display seven. DISCO! It's safe to say this is my new diagnosis. I've had depression, disthymia, anxiety, and been on meds for all, yet there's always been something. Just this nagging dread and gloom like deep in my soul. Even when I'm happy I'm not sure I really feel happy. That's not right. I mean, I know drugs can't cure everything, but come on. I should not be blubbering while on an antidepressant cocktail. I've gotten blood tests and my systems are all normal. What the actual F is wrong with me? This! This is it! This has been it all along. The WHOLE time!!! I have literally had this most of my life!!! It explains everything.

It's such a relief. For years, I've just been under the impression that I had depression and was just not doing it right. Like I was not wanting to be happy badly enough or somehow it was my fault that my meds weren't doing the trick. Screw that! It's a thing. Now I'm not really sure what to do with it. I'm not going to lie, I'm super bummed that there's not a magic pill or some electrodes for my brain or something to make it better. It's all done through therapy and reprogramming your neurons. Fuuuuudddddggggeeee. Only I didn't think fudge. I thought the word. The queen mother of dirty words. The f dash dash dash word. I've been busting my hump for a year and a half to get out of the pit I fell in when we moved here. Now I get to do it all again! OH BOY! (sarcasm is strong with this one.) I've got a climb that's something akin to climbing Mt. Everest in flip flops and a tank top with a guide named Booger who thinks Pauly Shore is god. I'm doomed. Or not. Depends on when you ask me.

Anyway, I decided to take John Watson's therapists advice (from Sherlock on the BBC) and blog about things that happen to me. Nothing happens to me. There's not a lot of info out there on borderline personality disorder. And there's apparently a hella stigma. Well F your stigma. I wasn't embarrassed to have depression, and I'm not (that) embarrassed to have BPD. It's something wrong. It's a thing. I didn't make it up. I'm not crazy. I'm a high-functioning sociopath, do your research. JK. I'm relieved, and sad, and happy, and scared. So I'll share. It makes me feel better.