I don't need no stinking structure.

My therapist is making me get a job. A real job. Eff that noise. The conversation went something like this:

T(herapist): When you move, you need to get a job.
M(e): A job?
T: Yes. An actual, non creative job that gets you out of the house.
M: Can't I just take up marathoning instead???
T: No. You won't do it.
M: I will if I don't have to get a job.
T: You need to get paid.
M: But...
T: And you need to be around other people.
M: But I don't like other people...

Something to keep in mind, I was whining. Straight up whining. Whiny voice, pouty face, slumpy posture, and shuffling feet. Another thing is that I hate running. I do it because Ernest Hemingway said it was a good idea. Granted, he may not be the best role model for my life... But still, bro was legit. And it keeps me from killing people and generally going on some kind of rampage. Also, I run when I feel fat. Well, the days I don't eat ice cream because I feel fat. Don't judge me.

Right, so I was talking about getting a job. I hate jobs. I hate working at jobs. I would rather sit around all day and write, but to quote a wise woman, "No. You won't do it." She says I need structure. But structure is dumb... I don't want structure. I want to roam free!!!! I want to be frolicking in some damn flowers, not abiding by some set of ... rules. I may be revolting against the military lifestyle, but that's not the damn point.

But I was thinking about it, and surprise, surprise, she's right. I need structure. Maybe loose structure, not that crazy every minute of the day psycho micromanaging crap. When I don't have structure, I tend to forget the last time I showered, to feed the children, what day it is, or what it's like not to wear pjs with no bra. (Be FREE!!!)

For instance, tonight. Hubs says, "I really want pizza." I say, "So order one. As far as I'm concerned, we're having pudding for supper." Because I was eating pudding because I ate "lunch" at like 1530. WTF?!?

So I guess what I'm getting at here is that without a set structure, I don't really care enough to do anything. Some days it's glorious like today when I chose to spend the day reading. But some days it's not so great. Those days it's hard to get out of bed let alone do anything constructive. This book that I was reading about borderline personality disorder said that people with bpd have a harder time getting out of bed than those who don't. Since that book was written by a non-afflicted person, they didn't give a great reason as to why that may be. I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. I have to steel myself to face my day. It takes me a while because I know what I'm facing if I accept consciousness for today. I know the struggle I'm facing every day. You know how it's really hard to get out of bed the day after you do a super strenuous workout? Like way harder than you've ever done? It's like that. We may not be doing anything physically strenuous, but mentally, we're shot before we even get out of bed.

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake" - Ernest Hemingway